Q&A About Boys (Part III): Michael G. Thompson, Ph.D.

This is Part III of a Q&A with Dr. Thompson, a psychologist, school consultant and author/co-author of eight books including the classic bestseller, Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys and It’s a Boy!: Understanding Your Son’s Development from Birth to Eighteen. (You can learn more about Dr. Thompson and his works on his website www.michaelthompson-phd.com.)

When is the best time to put boys in full day school? (It seems like the majority of schools aren’t geared to physically active boys.)
There is no formula to help you with this decision. Some boys need more quiet play time at home; other boys are ready to wade into a social and school situation. You can figure that out by watching your son and taking your cues from him. If you have a very active boy and you have some school choice, it is important to choose a school that is tolerant of boys, has plenty of outdoor time and isn’t constantly scolding boys. Such a school is likely to be a hell for boys.

In regards to discipline/setting limits, how much should “let boys be boys” really be applied?
The phrase “letting boys be boys” is an unclear guide to parenting. Obviously, you need to stop boys from doing reckless and dangerous things. However, because boys like creative, challenging play that sometimes involves play fighting, danger is often in the eye of the beholder—the parent. In my book, “It’s a Boy! Understanding Your Son’s Development from Birth to Eighteen,” a Kindergarten mother told me that she and the other mothers learned to turn their backs and NOT watch when their sons were playing in a field after school. She said that the moms had a tendency to intervene constantly when they saw their boys pick up sticks or play a hard-charging form of tag. I don’t believe that you should constantly intervene in boys’ play, because free, undirected play is the purest expression of childhood creativity and imagination.

When it comes to moral matters all children need to learn respect, empathy and good manners. You probably should let some boy shouting or bad language pass because you understand it was impulsive and over-excited; however, rudeness, cruelty and destructiveness must always be addressed.

Why are boys considered to be so much more challenging to raise during the early years than girls?
I think it is the boy activity level that keeps moms on their toes for the early years. When his son was between two and three years old, my friend, the child psychiatrist Ned Hallowell, called him “The Terminator.” His son would walk into or over anything, break anything and listen to no one. There was no way to stop him from danger other than to grab him. These boy behaviors are scary for parents, mothers especially. It is worth remembering that at sixteen years old “The Terminator” is quiet, a hardworking student, a gifted singer and a wonderful friend to his friends. The only sign of his early hard-charging behavior is that he is that he is a good wrestler on his school wrestling team.

(To see the introduction and the first set of questions, please visit Q&A About Boys: Michael G. Thompson, Ph.D.. For Part II, visit Q&A About Boys (Part II): Michael G. Thompson, Ph.D.)

On a side note, Dr. Thompson was quoted earlier this week in the AP article Serious business: Childhood experts step up campaign for more free-wheeling play time. It’s an interesting, informative read.

Q&A About Boys (Part II): Michael G. Thompson, Ph.D.

This is Part II of a Q&A with Dr. Thompson, a psychologist, school consultant and author/co-author of eight books including the classic bestseller, Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys and It’s a Boy!: Understanding Your Son’s Development from Birth to Eighteen. (You can learn more about Dr. Thompson and his works on his website www.michaelthompson-phd.com.)

Who has the greatest influence on preschool aged boys - the mother or the father?
In both single-parent families and in traditional, two-parent families (and there are fewer and fewer of them), it is the mother who provides the moment-to-moment, day-to-day care for her son and daughter, and thereby provides the foundation of their emotional lives. A mother’s love is, I believe, the bedrock of a child’s personality. Military histories tell us that when men are dying on the battlefield, with their last breaths they cry out for their moms.

That said, both parents are extremely influential in the life of a child, and I believe nature provided children with two parents for a reason: kids benefit from having two different approaches and two people who can support each other in loving a child during the difficult moments. A boy is profoundly influenced by how his mother treats him and responds to him, and he is equally influenced by the ways in which his father loves him and celebrates him.

Many mothers feel a bit jilted when their three- or four-year-old son, with whom they have spent a long day, suddenly seems incredibly excited by his father coming home. They want to wrestle with their dads, hang on their dads, and do everything their fathers do.

It is normal for a boy to love his mother, but to take her a bit for granted. After all, she’s the one who is usually there; she’s the one who reminds him to bathe and brush his teeth, etc., etc. In a little boy’s world, the fact that his father works outside the home tends to be a novelty, but also a boy needs to start constructing a male identity and it is his father on whom he is going to model himself. I’m sorry when mothers compete with fathers for a boy’s affections. A boy’s love for his father should be a source of pride to his mother; after all, she married his father because she thought he was a good man.

What should moms and dads do/how should they interact with their young sons to best meet their child’s needs?
The most important thing a mother and father should do is to enjoy their sons. Boys are fun, full of energy, sometimes wild, mostly loving and ultimately rewarding. You need to keep them safe, and they need to learn to be well-mannered, but mostly you just have to enjoy what they enjoy. Seeing the world through a boy lens can be pretty illuminating.

When (around what age) should boys be expected to control their physical selves (sitting still; play fighting a lot of the time, etc.)?
I hope no one expects boys to ever “control their physical energy” like girls. Three-quarters of boys are more physically active, more impulsive and developmentally immature in comparison to girls of the same chronological age. Boys in groups are rowdy, loud, and active, and they engage in play fighting right through college. Women who have two or three brothers tell me that they continue wrestling and play fighting into their thirties and even forties. If you are waiting for most boys to calm down and be like girls, you are in for a long, long wait.

(To see the introduction and the first set of questions, please visit Q&A About Boys: Michael G. Thompson, Ph.D.)