Q&A About Boys (Part II): Michael G. Thompson, Ph.D.

This is Part II of a Q&A with Dr. Thompson, a psychologist, school consultant and author/co-author of eight books including the classic bestseller, Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys and It’s a Boy!: Understanding Your Son’s Development from Birth to Eighteen. (You can learn more about Dr. Thompson and his works on his website www.michaelthompson-phd.com.)

Who has the greatest influence on preschool aged boys - the mother or the father?
In both single-parent families and in traditional, two-parent families (and there are fewer and fewer of them), it is the mother who provides the moment-to-moment, day-to-day care for her son and daughter, and thereby provides the foundation of their emotional lives. A mother’s love is, I believe, the bedrock of a child’s personality. Military histories tell us that when men are dying on the battlefield, with their last breaths they cry out for their moms.

That said, both parents are extremely influential in the life of a child, and I believe nature provided children with two parents for a reason: kids benefit from having two different approaches and two people who can support each other in loving a child during the difficult moments. A boy is profoundly influenced by how his mother treats him and responds to him, and he is equally influenced by the ways in which his father loves him and celebrates him.

Many mothers feel a bit jilted when their three- or four-year-old son, with whom they have spent a long day, suddenly seems incredibly excited by his father coming home. They want to wrestle with their dads, hang on their dads, and do everything their fathers do.

It is normal for a boy to love his mother, but to take her a bit for granted. After all, she’s the one who is usually there; she’s the one who reminds him to bathe and brush his teeth, etc., etc. In a little boy’s world, the fact that his father works outside the home tends to be a novelty, but also a boy needs to start constructing a male identity and it is his father on whom he is going to model himself. I’m sorry when mothers compete with fathers for a boy’s affections. A boy’s love for his father should be a source of pride to his mother; after all, she married his father because she thought he was a good man.

What should moms and dads do/how should they interact with their young sons to best meet their child’s needs?
The most important thing a mother and father should do is to enjoy their sons. Boys are fun, full of energy, sometimes wild, mostly loving and ultimately rewarding. You need to keep them safe, and they need to learn to be well-mannered, but mostly you just have to enjoy what they enjoy. Seeing the world through a boy lens can be pretty illuminating.

When (around what age) should boys be expected to control their physical selves (sitting still; play fighting a lot of the time, etc.)?
I hope no one expects boys to ever “control their physical energy” like girls. Three-quarters of boys are more physically active, more impulsive and developmentally immature in comparison to girls of the same chronological age. Boys in groups are rowdy, loud, and active, and they engage in play fighting right through college. Women who have two or three brothers tell me that they continue wrestling and play fighting into their thirties and even forties. If you are waiting for most boys to calm down and be like girls, you are in for a long, long wait.

(To see the introduction and the first set of questions, please visit Q&A About Boys: Michael G. Thompson, Ph.D.)