Q&A About Boys (Part III): Michael G. Thompson, Ph.D.

This is Part III of a Q&A with Dr. Thompson, a psychologist, school consultant and author/co-author of eight books including the classic bestseller, Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys and It’s a Boy!: Understanding Your Son’s Development from Birth to Eighteen. (You can learn more about Dr. Thompson and his works on his website www.michaelthompson-phd.com.)

When is the best time to put boys in full day school? (It seems like the majority of schools aren’t geared to physically active boys.)
There is no formula to help you with this decision. Some boys need more quiet play time at home; other boys are ready to wade into a social and school situation. You can figure that out by watching your son and taking your cues from him. If you have a very active boy and you have some school choice, it is important to choose a school that is tolerant of boys, has plenty of outdoor time and isn’t constantly scolding boys. Such a school is likely to be a hell for boys.

In regards to discipline/setting limits, how much should “let boys be boys” really be applied?
The phrase “letting boys be boys” is an unclear guide to parenting. Obviously, you need to stop boys from doing reckless and dangerous things. However, because boys like creative, challenging play that sometimes involves play fighting, danger is often in the eye of the beholder—the parent. In my book, “It’s a Boy! Understanding Your Son’s Development from Birth to Eighteen,” a Kindergarten mother told me that she and the other mothers learned to turn their backs and NOT watch when their sons were playing in a field after school. She said that the moms had a tendency to intervene constantly when they saw their boys pick up sticks or play a hard-charging form of tag. I don’t believe that you should constantly intervene in boys’ play, because free, undirected play is the purest expression of childhood creativity and imagination.

When it comes to moral matters all children need to learn respect, empathy and good manners. You probably should let some boy shouting or bad language pass because you understand it was impulsive and over-excited; however, rudeness, cruelty and destructiveness must always be addressed.

Why are boys considered to be so much more challenging to raise during the early years than girls?
I think it is the boy activity level that keeps moms on their toes for the early years. When his son was between two and three years old, my friend, the child psychiatrist Ned Hallowell, called him “The Terminator.” His son would walk into or over anything, break anything and listen to no one. There was no way to stop him from danger other than to grab him. These boy behaviors are scary for parents, mothers especially. It is worth remembering that at sixteen years old “The Terminator” is quiet, a hardworking student, a gifted singer and a wonderful friend to his friends. The only sign of his early hard-charging behavior is that he is that he is a good wrestler on his school wrestling team.

(To see the introduction and the first set of questions, please visit Q&A About Boys: Michael G. Thompson, Ph.D.. For Part II, visit Q&A About Boys (Part II): Michael G. Thompson, Ph.D.)

On a side note, Dr. Thompson was quoted earlier this week in the AP article Serious business: Childhood experts step up campaign for more free-wheeling play time. It’s an interesting, informative read.